The Perils Of Politeness Live On By Bianca Bagatourian Time: Today Place: Here Characters: Hagop Baronian- Himself (An author from the 19th Century) Father Girl (Arousiag) Barry- An odar (A Foreigner) Melkon Agha/Barry Barber/Father Margos Agha/Father Kamig Agha/Hagop Gabriel Agha/Father Hamparsoom Agha/Hagop Apimelik Agha/Barry Act 1 Scene 1 We see the shadow of a match striking and a candle being lit. HAGOP There is a tyrant that strides amongst us and is the mortal enemy of many things. It is a force that can torture, inflict pain, hours of misery, and bring horrifying nightmares. It is a force that is omni-present in all the living rooms of towns, in kitchens and dining rooms, it even has the gall to enter the bedrooms of strangers and climb in between the sheets. Those who rebel against it are denounced as coarse and uncivilized. Have you figured out who this almighty ruler is yet? It is not the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker or even the mayor that governs his town. No! Let me illuminate for you this silent force to whom houses of worship are built throughout this land. I offer to you the scourge of mankind: I am speaking of a power which we must learn to outwit. The power of Politeness. Lights dim. Spotlight on GIRL as she addresses the audience. GIRL I had this dream that I was living in Oonga Boonga land. Nobody knew me there and I knew nobody. I was not my father’s daughter there. I walked the streets with such pleasure, such freedom, with no binding ropes. I thought what I liked and I said what I liked and nobody told me otherwise...The sun was shining in Oonga Boonga and I knew I had arrived in a place that I had looked for my whole life long. Lights up. Girl remains in darkness. FATHER Dotter! GIRL I want to go to Oonga Boonga. FATHER Vat? Vere? Dotter? Bring more vine for de guests. Clear de dishes. De nuts and fruits, choreg...Vere are day? Vere are you? GIRL Here, father. I am here. Girl begins cleaning up after the meal. HAGOP It comes in all shapes and sizes and condemns us to slavery without breaking any laws. It has no limits. Akh! Tradition. FATHER You mean you don’t like tradition? GIRL Tradition? Is that what makes us feel so bound and gagged? Is that what keeps us from feeling happy within ourselves? FATHER Vat are you talking about, dotter? HAGOP Ay.Tradition is one thing. But destructive tendencies and pretensions are another, my good sir. FATHER Vat? Hagop, You too? GIRL It is like this invisible, undescribable cloud - HAGOP Give it time, my dear girl. I’m still waiting for things to change. FATHER I don’t understand vat you are all talking about! Vat should change? GIRL Father. Listen to the great Hagop Baronian. After all the stories he's told, he knows a thing or two about this. HAGOP I think people must change and things will take care of themselves. FATHER Are you say dere is no need for politeness? How vill dat be? Dotter, more vater. I am getting hot. GIRL Right away, father. How was the meal? FATHER Humph! HAGOP Barry. You’re an “odar,” foreigner, as we say. Tell me what you think of our Armenian politeness? BARRY I’m not sure tonight is the best time- FATHER Vy you ask him? Vat he know? He only know my dotter von veek. How he know vat good old Armenian custom iz? BARRY Actually sir, I’ve known your daughter for over a year now. FATHER DOTTER! Vater! Vater! You said von veek. Now BERRY say von year. I feel confused...and more hot. Vater! Now! Now! GIRL Calm down, father. Here’s your water. His name is Barry, not Berry, and I met him at work one year ago. FATHER Vy you don’t tell me about B…B…B...berry? GIRL I’m telling you now. It’s Barry. B--a--r--r--y. FATHER Strawberry! Heh, heh, heh. Vat work you do... berry ...berry... BARRY I’m a photographer. FATHER …blueberry? BARRY What? FATHER Vat? BARRY I take pictures. FATHER You no lawyer? BARRY No. FATHER Or doctor? BARRY No. FATHER You make money? BARRY Heh. Some. FATHER Some? GIRL He’s an artist, father. FATHER Arteest? Vat vill ART pay for? Bread? Cheese? Insurance? Vat can an arteest do? GIRL Save your soul. FATHER Berry vil not save my soul. Number one, starving child needs loaf of bread, not soul. GIRL Yes, father. FATHER That’s a good girl. GIRL Yes, father. FATHER Such a good girl, no? My dotter- GIRL But, there is something I want to say. FATHER Of course. Say it later, dotter. GIRL No! Now. That child needs the loaf of bread but he needs art for his spirit...to see the possibilities...to imagine. And those of us with artistic gifts must give them to save souls who can then make loaves of bread. FATHER Dotter- GIRL This story in the bible talked about how a women anointed Jesus with an expensive ointment and the others said “What are you doing? You could sell that for a lot of money and feed a hundred hungry people but you are wasting it.” And Jesus said, “What she has done is a beautiful thing.” To use the gifts that God gives you is a kind of worship. A singer may not be giving bread to the poor, but she is healing the soul of many so they can have the strength to make bread for the poor. FATHER So you give the hungry child a pretty picture and say “Here?” GIRL You must give him both. FATHER Good. Go do de dishes now. GIRL NO! FATHER Relax, Vat did I say? You should not get so hot, dotter. GIRL I am going to go make some coffee now. FATHER ARMENIAN coffee! How many times- GIRL Yes, father. Barry and Girl exit. HAGOP Gevork Agha, once I gave away a perfect pair of boots in exchange for some stylish shoes with all their accompanying torments and corns. And while politeness may have nothing against corns, I am sure it is the mortal enemy of a good solid pair of boots. FATHER But Hagop, vit no politeness, ve are lost! I vork hard all my life to come home to vat? Get your own coffee? Cook your own dinner? I vake up every day for forty years at five o’ clock in morning and break my back to keep house. Ven I come home, I demand politeness. Sometimes, in de mornings, I tink, “Vat vould happen if I stay in bed some longer, if I don’t go to office, if I just rest a bit more.” Den I tink “No, Gevork. Dat vould not be polite. Not polite for your vife or polite for your dotter. So I go.” And ven I come home, I demand politeness too. HAGOP Ay, Gevork Agha. It’s a double-edged sword. But can you imagine for a moment a world with no politeness at all? What would happen if there were no more false niceties? If people just came out and said what they thought all the time. And if someone occasionally was polite, you’d know that it was for real. That it was coming from the bottom of their heart. Wouldn’t that be something else, Gevork Agha? FATHER A mess. You need traditions. Rules. Vays. Barry and Girl enter carrying fruit. HAGOP Come on, son. Don’t mind Gevork Agha. Tell me what you really think of our Armenian manners. BARRY Well... I’m in no position to pass judgment on a whole culture, especially here and especially on one as old as yours, but it seems to me that there are a lot of unusual things that don’t make a lot of sense. FATHER Dis boy does not at all understand de meaning ov politeness! How he speak like dis in front of me? Very impolite boy. Dis iz your friend? GIRL Father- FATHER counting the syllables on his hand… FATHER Berry...Be-rry Rasp-berry… FATHER Lin-gon-bee-rry. Four! That’s four syllables, right? HAGOP Ay ay ay. It is still the same. This reminds me of a fine story about a friend of mine from a long time ago who couldn’t speak his mind also. This one I must have told over a thousand times and yet, there is always the need for it to be heard again. I don’t tire of retelling, for even in that, there is something to be gained. but here it is again, told especially for you. Arousiag dear, come here, don’t fret. We will wait together. Come sit down next to Uncle Hagop and listen to this funny story. For telling a story well, is an art in itself. Not everyone can tell a story to it’s best advantage, elaborate ont her right detaisl, add the correct pauses and know when to stop. Scene 2- We see the shadow of a tall candle projected on the back wall. Flicker, flicker. A flash of hand gestures as he begins: HAGOP The place was Constantinople, now Istanbul, also called Bolis. The time was somewhere around 1880. Melkon Agha decides to go to the barbershop one day and this is what happened when he couldn’t speak his mind. We hear the horn of a steamer in the distance. Father and Barry play the following roles. Father wears the customary Fez hat as he enters the barbershop. MELKON AGHA/BARRY Parev. Parev. Inchbessek? Can you give me a quick shave today, and maybe a haircut, too? BARBER/FATHER Why not? Why not? Sit. Sit. Melkon Agha settles into the barber chair. MELKON AGHA I beg you to use a sharp razor because my beard is very tough otherwise you will be sorry and so will I. BARBER Don’t worry the slightest bit. He puts a white apron on him and lathers him up. MELKON AGHA I don’t want the beard cut to the roots either. Just go over it lightly and let it go at that. The barber performs the preliminary rituals. BARBER Relax. Leave everything to me. There are barbers and there are barbers, no? MELKON AGHA If you say so. BARBER Lean back now and rest your head here. MELKON AGHA Very well. The operation begins. The barber draws close and there is almost immediate blood-letting. MELKON AGHA Hey! Be careful. You just cut me! BARBER That was because of a little scar you have right there. You must have been shaved by a butcher last time. MELKON AGHA Ayyyyyyyyyyyy! You did it again. BARBER A hair was growing crooked right here. Your regular barber must be something else! MELKON AGHA And what about my chin? Is there a scar there, too? BARBER No, but it is an odd dimple, I must say. That’s what caused it. Don’t worry. I’ll clean it all up in a minute. MELKON AGHA Hurry up for God’s sake. My face is burning. BARBER Here. Let me wash your face with some perfumed. That will take care of everything. MELKON AGHA I don’t want any of that! Just finish the shave without cutting me any more. BARBER But it won’t do without the lotion. MELKON AGHA For God’s sake. Is it my face, or isn’t it? BARBER Yes, yes. The face is yours no doubt, but every shop has its pride. And there is still hair on your face here and there and there that has to be shaved. This will reflect badly on our honor. So please, just put your head back and don’t worry about a thing. MELKON AGHA: My dear man, are you determined to torture me? You are standing over my head like an executioner. BARBER You are upset, so I will say nothing more. I only beg you to be patient a little bit longer and let me finish my work. The Barber pacifies him who meekly gives in with his teeth gritted. Suddenly, he leaps from the chair. MELKON AGHA Enough. That’s enough. My face is soaked in blood. Oof! Oof! BARBER Melkon Agha, come, the bleeding has stopped. There are only four spots with a bit of blood- MELKON AGHA Do it then and finish. I am done for anyway. BARBER You were really right when you said your beard was a little tough. MELKON AGHA I tried to tell you. The Barber keeps pressing rice flour on the cuts, but blood continues to flow. MELKON AGHA Akh! I have lost a pint of blood! BARBER This will fix it. Barber grabs a bottle of fluid and every time he brushes Melkon’s face, he screams in pain and jumps from the chair. BARBER There. Threre. All finished. You can breathe easily now. MELKON AGHA Thank you and thank God. BARBER Now...for your hair. MELKON AGHA No. No. No.No. No..Let my hair be. Am I not master of my own head? Melkon Agha rips off his white apron, flicks a coin to the Barber and is off like a flash. BARBER I have never in all my life seen such an obstinate man! Lights shift to a dreamy blue shade. Barber continues sweeping and cleaning up the mess and washing as Melkon Agha/Barry sings his song to the barber, dancing wildly around him. The barber is oblivious. SONG #1 “What Do I Really Think?” (The first line is done in a shout) MELKON AGHA (/BARRY) That’s what I’m really thinking As I sit here quietly sinking Suffering in your barber chair, Who gives a shit about the hair But how good I’d feel if I made you bleed Cut you up at lightning speed. CHORUS: What do I really think? drop by drop... What do I really think? drip, drip, drip... What do I really think? Take a guess... What do I really think? Clean up the mess! As I gaze into the mirror You’re looking queerer and queerer Let me take that razor blade And cut your veins into a braid Let me give you a haircut You will forget not And cut you open in places Where they will find no traces CHORUS: What do I really think? drop by drop! What do I really think? drip, drip, drip! What do I really think? Take a guess... What do I really think? Clean up the mess! Go on, sweep it all under, I don’t want to steal your thunder. But how good will my hair cut really look, As you hang upside down from that hook. Don’t close your eyes, not for a minute, You might not like what you find in it. A jutting comb, a brush, a bristle, All I want is a piece of your gristle (At the end of every song, there will be a little one minute routine consisting of curtseying, bowing, and hat- tipping. This cycles through a few times.) Scene 3- Lights dim and come up again. All actors are around the dinner-table. Girl is peeling apples and oranges and passing them around. GIRL Apple? HAGOP Gevork Agha, Wouldn’t it be the same story if you went to the barber today? FATHER Cheh. GIRL So, time doesn’t change anything. BARRY Perhaps it’s a little better now. But people don’t change. GIRL Who makes the rules anyway? Of course when a person imposes on you, it is rude. But maybe it’s also just inconsiderate, and is that the same thing as being rude? Orange? HAGOP It’s a slippery slope! Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is rude and what isn’t. GIRL So being selfish, inconsiderate, self-centered…all these things, fall under the umbrella of rudemess?. BARRY Well yes, not only that but different things have different meanings in different places, too. GIRL Cucumbers? FATHER Astvats! Vodka! I only vant Vodka. BARRY If you burp after a meal in Japan, it’s a symbol of respect- FATHER You burrrp here, you get hit very hard. GIRL See what I mean? Who decides? FATHER Very hard......listen, GOOSE-berry! HAGOP In Greek, etiquette is “pro-to-ko-llon,” like protocol. The word has grown plural in multi-ethnic societies. So now you can to refer to “an etiquette” realizing that this may not be universal. BARRY There is a universality of politeness that is based on English speaking cultures, isn’t there? GIRL I think politeness is having kind feelings toward others. FATHER Yes. Kindly bring me de vodka, dotter. HAGOP That’s a big problem. In these English speaking cultures, the idea of the self being the center of all is normal. But in older cultures like China and Greece and ours, the group aspect is the more important one. FATHER Den listen to dis simple ting. It iz impolite to come to somebody’s house and talk so much to dis group of people. End of story. GIRL Oh, father! HAGOP Gevork Agha. Let the poor boy speak his mind. FATHER Vat I say? Dis iz rude? HAGOP It’s all about relationships. Between people, between, cultures, between countries. I mean, is it polite to go and invade another country? Drop bombs, kill mothers and children? Is our capitalist culture polite today? GIRL Or is it polite that they turn off your heat in the middle of winter because you haven’t paid the bill or that they don’t let you into a hospital when you have an emergency without any insurance or that there are hungry homeless people in the streets? So many things here seem so rude. HAGOP Yes, a lot of things are hidden behind the veil of politeness here. Beneath all the orderliness of some Western societies, there is this substructure of domination and exploitation at work. BARRY Like the British Empire- GIRL What about the British Empire? BARRY On the surface, the British are the epitomy of politeness but the British Empire was ruthless. HAGOP The English gentleman was one of the greatest creations of Western civilization. BARRY Yes…England created the gentleman. HAGOP Gentlemen British officials who would win over leaders and then work through them, rather than trying to order people about directly. Good manners went a long way there. BARRY You can have your country and your flag but you will remain docile. HAGOP Exessive politeness to cover up for underlying rudeness. BARRY A rude action cloaked in polite language. GIRL Hidden behind a veil of politeness- FATHER counting on his fingers… FATHER Dat’s it! Dat’s it! MULBERRY! Dat iz vat vee had een my garden. Beautiful trees...Aah, so many…Tventy five, tventy siz, thirty… HAGOP But you know, Arousiag, Eastern or more ancient societies used politeness in other damaging ways too. Like ‘saving face” Now that was one practice I abhorred. BARRY What’s that? HAGOP “Saving face” actually comes from the Chinese. It’s about looking good in front of others, maintaing the self-image of the speaker. GIRL Boy, do I know about that! HAGOP And a face-threatening act generally requires some verbal repair- GIRL So, we are a bit like the Chinese. HAGOP Like the Chinese and the Persians, we Armenians are very invested in saving face. BARRY You must be exhausted. HAGOP It’s a matter of degrees. Sometimes it’s very time-consuming, sometimes a clever word can save you five hours. But clever words are not always at the tip of one’s tongue as was the case with poor Kamig Agha...Let me tell you a story that took place on one of the main streets of Pera, in front of a tavern... A typical conversation… It went like this… Scene 4- Lights dim on dinner table. Father and Hagop play the following roles of Margos and Kamig Agha. MARGOS AGHA/FATHER Ah! Just the man I wanted to see. Kamig Agha. Let’s have dinner together this evening. KAMIG AGHA/HAGOP Thank you, Margos Agha, but I can’t join you tonight. I’ve been invited to dine elsewhere. MARGOS AGHA Nonsense. I beg of you. KAMIG AGHA It’s really impossible. Margos Agha links arms with Kamig Agha and continues... MARGOS AGHA Don’t refuse me. KAMIG AGHA Don’t insist. MARGOS AGHA Don’t say no. KAMIG AGHA Don’t embarass me. MARGOS AGHA We will have such an enjoyable evening together. Imagine- KAMIG AGHA I’m sure of that, but- MARGOS AGHA But, what? Let’s go. KAMIG AGHA No. Really. MARGOS AGHA Yes. Really. KAMIG AGHA Oh, Margos Agha. How can I refuse when you insist so much? MARGOS AGHA Wonderful. Wonderful. I’m very thankful to you. KAMIG AGHA Don’t mention it. MARGOS AGHA But I am. KAMIG AGHA I’m thankful, too. Kamig Agha tries to unlink his arm but Margos Agha holds on tight and continues... MARGOS AGHA In here. I hear this is a good place for a quick drink. KAMIG AGHA As long as it’s quick. MARGOS AGHA Shall we have a ohghi? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA How about trying a waterpipe? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA Rum? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA You must be a cognac drinker. KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA What is your drink then? KAMIG AGHA Nothing. Didn’t you know? I’ve stopped drinking. It’s been a few years now. MARGOS AGHA YOU DON’T DRINK? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA You’re not joking? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA You’re telling me the truth? KAMIG AGHA Why should I lie? MARGOS AGHA I can’t believe it! KAMIG AGHA I just don’t drink. MARGOS AGHA You must be joking with me. KAMIG AGHA Why should I joke? MARGOS AGHA You mean you won’t have ohghi with me now? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA Or a beer? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA Rum? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA Cognac? KAMIG AGHA No. MARGOS AGHA What is there left for you to live for? I’m sure you’re only pretending. KAMIG AGHA There is no pretense, Margos Agha. I don’t drink. MARGOS AGHA Such a shame! Can such a thing really be? Unheard of. My friend, you’re going to make people laugh at you. KAMIG AGHA So, I don’t have the habit anymore. What’s wrong with that? MARGOS AGHA Are you a woman or what? How can anyone not drink ohghi? Are you a monk? Don’t you know what’s good for you? I beg you, Kamig Agha, let’s stop this nonsense. KAMIG AGHA What nonsense? MARGOS AGHA Just one glass, I beg you… KAMIG AGHA Just one glass? MARGOS AGHA Only one. I promise. For me! Marghos Agha grabs a bottle of ohghi. KAMIG AGHA Oh, alright then. Just one glass. For you. MARGOS AGHA Thank you. That’s better. We have to go along with the times. Here they will laugh at anyone who doesn’t drink. KAMIG AGHA Very well. MARGOS AGHA Long life. KAMIG AGHA May it be sweet. MARGOS AGHA As sweet as this. To your lovely wife. KAMIG AGHA And to yours. MARGOS AGHA When will she be over it? KAMIG AGHA Over it? Oh, that. In a month, if God wills. MARGOS AGHA It looks like a boy. Tell her not to sit too much, to walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. KAMIG AGHA Thank you. Thank you. MARGOS AGHA And to your children. He pours some more. KAMIG AGHA And to yours. MARGOS AGHA Your grandchildren. Let me pour you a tiny little bit more for them. KAMIG AGHA Very little. MARGOS AGHA You remember when I told you I bought fish last night? Well, I took it home and broiled it in a sauce prepared with salt and lemon and herbs for a good two hours but it had no taste at all! Nothing! KAMIG AGHA How surprising. MARGOS AGHA Really. Come over some day and prepare it with your own hands. I beg you. You will see what I mean. That fishmonger sells tasteless fish. Don’t’ you think so, Margos Agha? More? KAMIG AGHA Very well, thank-you. I will come over…No, no, no more ohghi- Too late. Margos Agha has already poured some more. MARGOS AGHA So, Kamig Agha, you haven’t told me anything about yourself yet. I am going to scold you soon. KAMIG AGHA Well, my store- MARGOS AGHA You know, I haven’t forgotten the splendid time we had the other week at Apo Agha’s house. The beer was wonderful. The food, sublime. I must have drunk twenty glasses. And what about those potatoes? We must do it again next week at Toros Agha’s. But let’s prepare the mezzeh ahead of time, ay? And no outsiders! KAMIG AGHA No outsiders. MARGOS AGHA You were saying something. KAMIG AGHA Yes. About my work- MARGOS AGHA Oh. Thank God we ran into each other, Kamig Agha! What would we have done otherwise. Had another lonesome night on this earth. This is what friends are for…To drink with and be jolly with. He smacks him on the back hard. KAMIG AGHA UGH! Yes, Margos Agha, you are very right. But we should think of going home, Margos Agha. It’s getting late. MARGOS AGHA Nonsense. It’s early yet. KAMIG AGHA It will be twelve o’ clock soon. MARGOS AGHA The guest is the host’s lamb, didn’t you know? KAMIG AGHA I know- MARGOS AGHA I haven’t finished my quota yet. It will be exactly two bottles after this one. KAMIG AGHA Oh, Margos Agha. Margos Agha gets another bottle, opens it and begins pouring. KAMIG AGHA How much longer must we stay? MARGOS AGHA What is your hurry, friend? I don’t understand it. You act like I am torturing you. Sit. Talk. Enjoy yourself. KAMIG AGHA Yes, Margos Agha. MARGOS AGHA Animals go to bed at this hour. What would we do if we went home now? Ah, but perhaps you are hungry? KAMIG AGHA No. Not at all. MARGOS AGHA If you are hungry, we will go. KAMIG AGHA No. How can one eat at this hour? MARGOS AGHA Be honest with me, I beg you. I want you to have a good time...to enjoy yourself. That’s the whole idea. I want my guest to be content, so if you are hungry- KAMIG AGHA No! Not a bit. I told you. MARGOS AGHA All you have to do is say the word. KAMIG AGHA I couldn’t eat so early in the day. MARGOS AGHA I repeat, don’t hesitate for a moment. Tell me if you’re hungry. KAMIG AGHA I’m not hungry! MARGOS AGHA Then talk a little. Tell me what’s happening. You’re quiet as a mouse. Let’s have a little life. You want to dance a bit? KAMIG AGHA Sweet immortality. MARGOS AGHA Let me get you another drink. KAMIG AGHA No, no. My head is spinning. MARGOS AGHA Long life, then. May it be sweet. You were working on something. How did it come out? KAMIG AGHA Working on what? MARGOS AGHA Oh, it doesn’t matter. We are here to pass the time, aren’t we? KAMIG AGHA Yes, yes. MARGOS AGHA How do you spend your evenings? Your days? How do you occupy yourself in the morning? Say something. Kamig Agha mutters an aside: KAMIG AGHA (Aside) I’m so hungry I’m going to faint. MARGOS AGHA What did you say? How about that work you were doing? KAMIG AGHA Melkon’s job? MARGOS AGHA That’s the one. (Aside) As if I really remember it. KAMIG AGHA What? Oh, yes. Melkon was completely at fault about that matter. (Aside) I should have been at the dinner table over two hours ago. MARGOS AGHA Is that a fact? I would never have believed it. I would have expected more of Melkon Agha. (Aside) Who is this Melkon? KAMIG AGHA He’s done some pretty awful things. MARGOS AGHA That’s too bad. Tell me about them. (Aside) At least this will make him talk. KAMIG AGHA Did you say something? MARGOS AGHA No. No. I’m all ears. KAMIG AGHA It’s a long story. (Aside) And I’m hungry as a wolf. MARGOS AGHA What if it is too long? (Aside) I have to get the poor man to open up a little, He looks so uneasy. KAMIG AGHA I can’t go into it now. (Aside) Not on this empty stomach. MARGOS AGHA Then long life to you! KAMIG AGHA May it be sweet, Margos Agha,. It is one o’ clock. MARGOS AGHA Well...Perhaps we should go now. (Aside) He is lousy company, anyway. (Loud) Only if you’re sure, though. Here. Let me take care of the bill. Better yet, you take care of it tonight and this way we will be sure to meet again tomorrow night when I will take care of. Splendid I will wait for you at dinnertime. Same place. But, my dear Kamig Agha, you must say a little more, make an effor tot be a bit more livery. I must go now. Excuse me...Don’t forget…tomorrow! Marghos Agha leaves. SONG #2 Rules and Rules KAMIG AGHA (/HAGOP) CHORUS: There are rules and there are rules and rules of the heart, but mules will be mules where do I start? Please sir and thank you after you if you please, waiting in line too and may God bless you if you sneeze. CHORUS: There are rules and there are rules and rules of the heart, but mules will be mules where do I start? A gentleman I am and kind to the core, I give what I can but they just want more! CHORUS: There are rules and there are rules but enough is enough, some mules will be mules I can’t take this any more of this stuff! Not me. Not me. Not me. (Curtseying, bowing, and hat-tipping cycle) Scene 5 Back to the dinner table. HAGOP To be forced to drink on an empty stomach, all that vinegar, when you’ve given up drink. To miss your dinner. To keep you out late and to make you pay for it on top of it all. Why this torment? Just so they say Kamig Agha is civilized. FATHER Dere are tings dat must be endured. HAGOP And Margos Agha is not one of them. He pokes his finger in your chest for emphasis, steps on your toe or continually pulls you by the arm. And this form of persuasion is common amongst our people. BARRY An eloquence that depends on the abuse of the listener. FATHER You say something? I did not hear. BARRY I said it’s a- FATHER I don’t hear, again. BERRY! My ears have left me… HAGOP Come, Gevork Agha. Let’s play a game of backgammon. FATHER Vait...Black-berry! Dat is von of my favorite variety… HAGOP People like that Margos Agha make me so angry. They get what they want with no consideration for others and they are looked upon as respectable members of the community. Do you know anyone like that, Gevork Agha? FATHER Vere’s the backgammon board? Lights dim. Spotlight on GIRL as she addresses the audience. GIRL When I was twelve, I wanted to get away from it all. I packed my bags and things and went to my best friend’s house and thought I could stay there forever. The first day was heavenly. I thought it would be like that always. The second day I got homesick. So homesick in fact ,that I started throwing up and then they had to rush me to the doctor who said there was nothing wrong with me. I guess I really was home-sick. But the funny thing was, it wasn’t the home that I missed but the people there, no matter how angry or abused or deprived I felt, it was still where I belonged. Lights up. Father and Hagop continue to roll the dice. FATHER I vin. I vin. HAGOP Yes, Gevork Agha. You win. Let’s play again. GIRL Do you think it’s something we can only learn as children…Politeness? HAGOP Good breeding is the result of good sense, good nature, a touch of humor, and a little self-denial for the benefit of others. FATHER Double sixes. Again! BARRY But as adults we make a choice to be impolite. GIRL Women are more polite than men. BARRY That is such a stereotype. Aren’t we all equal? GIRL Yes, with different sensations and desires. I love when I meet a man with impeccable manners. FATHER Double fives! BARRY If it’s not too much trouble, please pass the cucumbers this way, my dear. Many thanks. GIRL That’s so pleasant coming from your lips. BARRY Why, thank you. Women are really good at this? GIRL What? BARRY Getting what they want by altering their behaviors. GIRL That’s not fair. BARRY But it’s true. GIRL If you could do it, you would too. FATHER Double fours! HAGOP Ultimately, is it not the goal you have in mind that drives your actions, whether polite or impolite? GIRL Sometimes I just can’t find the right word for what I’m trying to say in this language. As if the word just doesn’t exist. Not only that, but as if the idea of the word itself doesn’t exist and then it all comes out wrong and sometimes even might sound rude when I didn’t mean it to be so at all. FATHER In India, an ant is an ant. But in China, dere are many different ants. Ve are all different. Dat’s all HAGOP I think grace is what’s needed. FATHER Grrrrace? But Hagop. You yourself criticize all society. You can’t stand corruption… Hypocricy They are your enemy. Your satires are full of vitriol about dis. You spare no von. Have you no empathy for your fellow man? Vere is the grace in dis? HAGOP That is precisely why I do what I do because I HAVE empathy for my fellow man. They need me. FATHER Me. I tell it like it iz. You may tell it in your stories, but I tell it in my life. Short and sweet. GIRL I just wish men weren’t afraid of deeper conversation. BARRY It makes a man weak to talk about his feelings all the time. We don’t like it. I keep telling you. It takes away our strength. Just as some conversation is not right for women. FATHER I heard dat and I agree vit the Berry on dat. Some tings are for vomen and some tings are not! End of story. GIRL That’s awful. FATHER No it’s not. It’s for yor own good. GIRL Is that because I’m too pretty to worry my little head? Why? Decisions were always made for me. Why? Why was I so ignored? Because I wasn’t born a boy. FATHER Ha! I vin again. HAGOP So. Now it’s Barry’s turn to play. FATHER Vat? I say I agree vit him does not mean I vil play vit him. No. GIRL Come father. He’s our guest. FATHER Odars can’t play backgammon. GIRL Barry plays well. I taught him. FATHER And I taught you. HAGOP Gevork Agha. Play a game so they don’t say you were rude to your guest. FATHER Very well. But I varn him to be careful. How about more coffee? Dessert? Nuts? Barry switches seats and they begin to play. GIRL Sure, more coffee. When will we women come out from under this crippling paralyses of politeness? HAGOP Yes. It is ridiculous, especially for women. Come Arousiag, forget the coffee and listen to this story and tell me what you think. It was during the Christmas...Or maybe it was during the Easter feast days...when it’s customary to receive guests and it often happens that more than three guests come at a time--- Scene 6 Lights shift. All actors move forward and sit on the floor in a gathering. Girl appears with tray of sweets and is torn between the guests. GIRL I beg you. Have some sweets, please. HAMPARSOOM AGHA/HAGOP Take them to Apilemik Agha. He must be served first. APIMELIK AGHA/BARRY I beseech you. Don’t stand on such ceremony. The poor girl’s tired. Go and serve Hampartsoom Agha, my child. HAMPARSOOM AGHA That won’t do at all. Heaven forbid! Who am I to be served before you? Go back to Gabriel Ahga, young lady. GABRIEL AGHA/FATHER How can that be? No, no, don’t waste your steps by coming here, my child. HAMPARSOOM AGHA Apilemik Agha should be the first to be served. GABRIEL AGHA What about our fourth guest, the teacher? He has a certificate from the educational council. No, no. Never mind that, Hampartsoom Agha must be- HAMPARSOOM AGHA Why me, merciful God? Everything should go according to custom...according to the rules. Give some to Apilemik Agha, my child. Apilemik Agha, by the grace of God, is worth 30,000 pounds if he is worth a penny. I couldn’t even qualify as one of his servants. APIMELIK AGHA That doesn’t make sense at all, Hampartsoom Agha. You are an honorable and respected man. HAMPARSOOM AGHA Honor is measured by money these days, is it not, Apemelik Agha? APIMELIK AGHA Yes, Effendi. Yes it is. Perhaps precedence should be given to Gabriel Agha who is, after all, a councilman. GABRIEL AGHA You have exhausted my daughter, Efenndi’s. APIMELIK AGHA He’s right. HAMPARSOOM AGHA We should spare the poor thing. GIRL Please, not at all. I am not a bit tired. (Panting) Pleeeeease accept something. At last Apilemik Agha condescends to accept the first portion. He takes a spoonful of sweets. APILEMIK AGHA If I must, I must. Best wishes for the holiday season to you. HAMPARSOOM AGHA Happy New Year, Giragos Agha, and to you, young lady. GIRL Thank you. GABRIEL AGHA And Merry Christmas. HAMPARSOOM AGHA Thank you- APILEMIK AGHA With God’s blessings and abundance. HAMPARSOOM AGHA May you be graced with long life. GABRIEL AGHA Happy New Year, Merry Christmas and all God’s blessings on all of you and you my child. GIRL Thank you. Thank you. HAMPARSOOM AGHA May the Lord grant you many years, many happy years among friends like you. GABRIEL AGHA May he keep you from misfortune. HAMPARSOOM AGHA Amen. APILEMIK AGHA May God protect you from all harm. GABRIEL AGHA Long life to you. APILEMIK AGHA God grant you fine son-in-laws and daughter in laws. GABRIEL AGHA Thank you. APILEMIK AGHA And many grandchildren. GABRIEL AGHA Thank you. HAMPARSOOM AGHA May you never see sickness and pain. GABRIEL AGHA And reach a ripe old age. HAMPARSOOM AGHA And you too, Gabriel Agha. May your portion be sweet. GABRIEL AGHA Thank-you, Hamparsoom Agha. If you touch dross, may it turn to gold. APILEMIK AGHA Amen. Hampartsoon Agha is served at last. As he reaches for a helping, he accidentally flicks the edge of the tray which slips from the Girl’s hand, spilling sweets and coffee all over him. The girls faints. GABRIEL AGHA Don’t be alarmed, child. HAMPARSOOM AGHA Oh. Oh. There’s nothing to be frightened about. APILEMIK AGHA Bring a hot towel. HAMPARSOOM AGHA Heat some wine. Quick! APILEMIK AGHA Bleed her from the arm! HAMPARSOOM AGHA That will ease her fear! GABRIEL AGHA Let’s give her some medicine! APILEMIK AGHA Put her in a hot bath! HAMPARSOOM AGHA Put her in a cold bath! GABRIEL AGHA She’s opening her eyes. Don’t be startled, my child. HAMPARSOOM AGHA It was all our fault. GABRIEL AGHA My poor girl. APILEMIK AGHA We are to blame. HAMPARTSOOM AGHA Never again. GABRIEL AGHA You will rest tomorrow. APILEMIK AGHA A week. We won’t set foot here for a week. GIRL No, no. Please. I’m only sorry...I’m only sorry that...that- Girl gets up and runs off in shame. The Effendis begin picking up pieces from the floor and cleaning up. She quietly begins to sing: SLOW SONG #3- The Rules of Etiquette GIRL I feel more inclined to decline the rules I don’t understand. And I see no harm or alarm in requesting explanations. Putting in plain words illuminations clarifications explications. I dream of a day in the far far away where I am free with my will to do as I feel. For goodness sake let me know. what a poor girl like me is to do but obey and please. show me the way out of this mess I’m in. When will it end I pray to see a bright and pleasurable day where I can have my own say to hell with the rest if I may. I pray I pray dismay is my company I pray I pray one day in my memory I will see my own reverie I pray I pray I pray. If I may I may, I may. End of Scene 7